Monday, January 4, 2010
Dreams are reality
Death. Not a word anyone appreciates, but probably one of the most well known words on the planet. You know its coming, but you never known win. Its like a creeping shadow readying itself for the attack. It all feels surreal...like a dream, but more so a nightmare. My prayers were answered, no more pain. And I know you're in a much better place. As I've been told a hundred times. But it's not the death that gets me. It's the missing you part. The part that I won't see you in person again, or you won't be there to watch me turn 16. Or get my license, or graduate high school. You wont be there to call when I get engaged or walk me down the isle on my wedding day. Or see my kids be born. Its the little things they make me hurt inside. I've had so many thoughts running in my head all day long. Things I have thought about before, but never really thought I would have to deal with so abruptly and as soon as this. It's starting to feel sickening. I try to hide it but my mask is shattering into millions of tiny pieces. Each one by a memory of you. I don't want to forget, but at the moment I don't want to remember. People say they would rather feel pain than nothing at all. I disagree. I would rather be numb, free from all emotion. And then I think of having to move all the things out of my house, and into separate houses. Because I now have nowhere I call home. No home number. I don't want to go to sleep. But I don't want to be awake. Why can't I be dreaming?
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Lauren my heart breaks for you and I love you more than any thing I can say or do. I know nothing is going to take your pain away right now but do know that your daddy loved you and Matt more than he loved his self and he was never selfish when it came to both of you. If there would have been anything he could have done to stay here longer you know he would have done whatever it took, but it's not in our time it's in God's time and when he is ready to call each and everyone of us home.Just know that we are all here for you and your daddy is never far away. All you have to do is look up and know he is with you each and every minute of your life. You are such a talented mature individual and he was and would be very proud of you, just like I am. I am always here for you.
ReplyDeleteI love you---Mom
I'm not going to pretend I understand what you're going through, because I don't. And honestly, I'm not as close to God as I'd like to be. But I know for sure that He's there for you, along with many other wonderful people who love you and care about you. Between God, family, and friends, you have more than enough love and care needed to make it through this. Just be strong, trust in God, and He will see you through everytime. You are an amazing person. Just hang in there Lauren.I promise everything will be ok.
ReplyDeleteTravis
Wow, Lauren! You have come to grips with reality far better than even a lot of adults when they encounter serious situations. I can add no more comforting words that would help any more than anyone else has. But I want you to know that I am here for you if you ever need anything! You are a beautiful and special young lady with so much to offer this world and I know that God will use you greatly! Keep the faith and keep your head up high! You can and will get through this and you will have sweet peace that comes only through God Himself :) He loves you, I love you, and as you probably already know, there are many others who love you also. Lots and lots of love, Rhonda :)
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